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2022-07-05 - 7:43 p.m.

I knew this was happening but I couldn't deal. I don't know why. Or maybe I do know. He's sick and getting worse as my brother just informed me. The only thing that was keeping me together was not thinking about it but I can't not think about it. It comes over me in waves. All of the thoughts. I know I'm selfish. I know I should have gone to visit multiples times but didn't. I always think I'm not wanted or welcome. That I am the after thought. It doesn't matter though because again that is selfish. I've been wallowing and can't seem to escape. I know and don't know what I should do. What I really want is to curl up into a ball and not move for days and have it all be magically ok. I don't want anything that I'm thinking to be inevitable. I want him to get better. Like before he was sick. But I know that won't happen.


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